Why Some Children Struggle More with Routine

As we continue exploring the “R” in the GREATEST Roadmap for early childhood parenting — Relationships and Routines — it is important to remember that routines do not affect every child in the same way. One child is not another. Some settle easily into daily patterns, while others need more help, more time, and more understanding.

Have you ever looked at two young children in the same family and wondered how they can be so different? One gets dressed, eats breakfast, and heads out the door with little fuss. The other cannot bear the feel of the socks, cries because the usual cup is unavailable, and seems overwhelmed before the day has even begun.

It is 7:15 a.m. One child is ready to leave. The other is in tears because the socks feel wrong, the cereal is not sweet enough, the shirt is scratchy, and the mug is not a favourite. The whole morning is turned upside down. You are trying to stay calm as the tension rises. What should have been an ordinary school morning now feels like family drama.

If that scene feels familiar, you are not alone.

For many children, the hardest part is not the routine itself but the transition from one part of the day to the next, from sleep to waking, from play to bath, from bath to pyjamas, or from home to school. These moments can be especially hard when children are tired, hungry, confused, or not ready to stop what they are doing.1

It is easy for parents to feel frustrated and confused. Why does routine work for one child but not the other? Why does one move through the day smoothly while another seems to resist every step?

The Simple Answer: Children Differ.

Some children naturally settle into routines more easily. Others find them much harder. That does not mean they are disobedient or badly behaved. Often, it means they need more help with transitions, more preparation, and more understanding.

One reason is temperament. Children are born with different ways of responding to the world. One child may be flexible and easy-going. Another may be highly sensitive, intense, cautious, or slow to warm up. These differences shape how children react to ordinary expectations, ordinary daily situations.

A 2022 study on preschoolers found that temperament plays an important role in how children cope in routine situations. Children with stronger effortful control were generally better able to manage themselves in familiar settings, while other temperament traits were linked to greater difficulty in more demanding situations.2

In everyday language, some children find it easier to manage the rhythms of family life, while others become unsettled more easily.

This is why siblings can respond very differently to the same routine. They may share the same home, parents, mealtimes, and bedtime, but they do not share the same sensitivities, energy levels, or pace of adjustment. One child may enjoy predictability. Another may need more reassurance, more time, or greater flexibility.

That is also why comparisons between siblings are so unhelpful. When parents say, “Your sister can do it, so why can’t you?” the struggling child is more likely to feel ashamed than supported. Children are not wired the same way, and they do not develop routine skills at the same pace.

Routine can be a gift because it makes life more predictable. Predictability helps children know what comes next and can reduce stress for the whole family. A Study using data from the Avon Longitudinal Study of Parents and Children found that maintaining routines was associated with fewer emotional and behavioural difficulties in children, and lower parental anxiety.3

Still, routine only works well when it is realistic and responsive. A child who struggles with routine usually does not need more shouting, pressure, or criticism. They need structured routines, but with their needs in mind.

What Can Parents Do?

First, look beneath the behaviour. Before reacting, pause and ask: What is making this hard right now? Is my child tired, hungry, overstimulated, worried, or deeply absorbed in play? Behaviour is often communication.

Second, prepare children before transitions. Gentle warnings such as, “In five minutes, we are getting ready for bath,” or, “When the timer rings, we are leaving the park,” help children adjust emotionally before the change.

Third, keep routines simple. The more steps involved, the harder it can be for a struggling child to manage. A simple bedtime routine might be: toilet, wash, story, cuddle, sleep.

Fourth, use the same cues each day. Young children respond well to repeated signals, the same phrase, the same song, the same order. Familiarity helps routines feel safer and more predictable.

Fifth, offer small choices. Routine does not have to feel rigid. Children are more likely to cooperate when they feel they have a little say: “Do you want the red pyjamas or the blue ones?” "Do you want the doughnut or the cinnamon bun?" Small choices can reduce power struggles while sticking to the routine. 

Sixth, avoid comparing siblings. What helps one child may not help another. One may need a reminder, another a visual chart, and another extra time and a calmer pace. The goal is not to make children behave identically, but to help each one grow as a confident individual.

Finally, stay calm when things go wrong. This may be the hardest part, but a parent’s calm can steady a child’s anxiety or meltdown. If the routine falls apart, try not to turn one difficult moment into a shame-filled morning or bedtime. Patiently pause, reset, and begin again. Progress matters more than perfection.

Some children fall easily into routines. Others struggle with them every day. That is not failure. It is individual differences.

Parenting becomes calmer and gentler when we stop asking, “Why can’t this child be like the other one?” and start asking, “What does this child need from me right now?”

One child is not another. And sometimes that simple truth changes everything.

Footnotes

1. The National Association for the Education of Young Children notes that children often struggle more during transitions when they are tired, hungry, confused, or not ready to stop an activity.

2. Vaughan, H. S., & Teglasi, H. (2022). A study of preschoolers found that effortful control was a unique predictor of better social functioning in routine contexts, showing how temperament shapes children’s responses to everyday expectations.

3. Lees, V., Hay, R., Bould, H., Kwong, A. S. F., Major-Smith, D., Kounali, D., & Pearson, R. M. (2023). Using ALSPAC data, researchers found that maintaining routines was associated with fewer emotional and behavioural difficulties in children and lower parental anxiety.