“But I Wanted It!”: Helping Children Handle Disappointment and Bounce Back
E – Encouraging Independence & Resilience | The GREATEST Parenting Roadmap
“I wanted that toy!” “It’s not fair!” “I was supposed to win!”
Sound familiar?
In our earlier posts, we explored giving children choices, letting them do things for themselves, and helping them face manageable challenges. But what happens when a choice is unavailable, an effort fails, or things do not go their way?
Another part of independence is learning to handle those feelings. Children cannot always get what they want, but they can learn to cope with disappointment and try again.
Why Disappointment Matters
A child who cries after losing a game is not necessarily spoiled or weak. Disappointment is a normal response to not getting something we want. It offers opportunities to practise patience, flexibility, problem-solving, and resilience: the ability to recover from setbacks.
Our task is not to prevent every disappointment. It is to offer steady support through everyday frustrations: a cancelled outing, a favourite snack that has run out, or a sibling’s turn on the swing.
Resilience does not mean always smiling. It means learning, “I can feel upset and still move forward.”
“I Know You Wanted That”: Feelings and Limits
Four-year-old Maya spots a brightly coloured toy in the supermarket. When her mother says they will not buy it, Maya cries and reaches for the shelf.
Her mother kneels and says, “I know you wanted that toy. It is disappointing to hear no. We are not buying it today, but I’m here with you. Hold my hand.”
She gives Maya a moment, then gently guides her onward.
Maya’s mother has not given in or shamed her. She has accepted the feeling while keeping the limit.
Children may feel angry or sad; they still need help expressing those feelings safely. Calmly stop hitting, grabbing, or throwing without expecting the feeling to disappear immediately.
Instead of “Stop crying!” or “That’s nothing to be upset about,” try “I can see you’re disappointed. Would you like to hold my hand or walk beside me?”
“Is It My Turn Yet?”: Learning to Wait
Waiting is part of handling disappointment. Sometimes the answer is “not now” rather than “no.” Learning to wait for something we want is called delayed gratification. It takes practice.
Start small. A toddler can wait a few moments while you pour water if you explain what you are doing. A preschooler can practise taking turns with a ball or swing, helped by a song or short timer. An older child might save a little money toward a desired item.
In a 2023 study, Raghunathan and colleagues observed 144 five-year-olds during a waiting task. Children managed the wait in different ways, and their ability to manage anticipation was linked to how successfully they waited.
The lesson is not that children must sit perfectly still. Help them find something to do while waiting: sing, count, talk, or look at a book.
“I’m So Upset!”: Learning to Calm Down
Six-year-old Daniel loses a board game to his sister. He shouts, pushes the game away, and says, “I’m never playing again!”
His father says, “You worked hard and hoped to win. Losing feels awful sometimes. Let’s take a break.”
They sit quietly together. Later, Dad asks, “What could help you feel ready to play again?” Daniel chooses a snack and another round.
This is co-regulation: a calm adult helps a child manage strong feelings. With practice, the child begins to do more independently. First, the adult leads; next, they practise together. Eventually, the child may say, “I need a break,” without prompting.
A 2023 review by England-Mason and colleagues, covering 15 parenting trials, found that programmes helping parents respond constructively to young children’s emotions improved children’s emotional competence.
Comfort and guidance do not undermine independence; they help build it.
Match Your Help to Their Age
Toddlers (1–3): Use few words, stay close, and offer comfort. Keep waiting times brief; strong reactions are normal.
Preschoolers (3–5): Name feelings, practise turn-taking through play, and offer simple choices: “Shall we breathe together or sit quietly?”
Early school-age children (6–8): Once calm, discuss options: “What could you do next time?” Let them choose a helpful strategy.
Children develop at different rates. Be especially patient when a child is tired, hungry, or overwhelmed.
Keep It Simple: Name It, Plan It, Try It
Name It: “You’re disappointed because the park is closed.”
Plan It: “Would a hug, a quiet minute, or another activity help?”
Try It: “Let’s choose what to do next.”
Later, notice the effort: “You were upset, and you found another way.”
Your GREATEST Challenge This Week
When your child faces one small disappointment or waiting moment , rather than fixing it; remain calm, name the feeling, and help them choose one next step. Notice their effort, however small.
Resilience Grows One Disappointment at a Time
Children do not become resilient by avoiding tears or facing difficulties alone. They grow when caring adults show them that hard feelings can be managed and setbacks overcome.
Every supported disappointment is a chance to build emotional independence, one small step at a time.
References
1. Raghunathan, R. S., Musci, R. J., Knudsen, N., & Johnson, S. B. (2023). What children do while they wait: The role of self-control strategies in delaying gratification. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 226, 105576. DOI: 10.1016/j.jecp.2022.105576.
2. England-Mason, G., Andrews, K., Atkinson, L., & Gonzalez, A. (2023). Emotion socialization parenting interventions targeting emotional competence in young children: A systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. Clinical Psychology Review, 100, 102252. DOI: 10.1016/j.cpr.2023.102252.