“Let Me Try!”: Building Independence and Resilience from the Start
E – Encouraging Independence & Resilience | The GREATEST Parenting Roadmap
“Me do it!”
If you have ever tried to help a toddler put on shoes, pour a drink, or feed themselves, you have probably heard those words. It can be messy to watch a child struggle with something you could do in seconds.
But “Let me try” tells us something important: independence is beginning to grow.
This is the second E in the GREATEST Roadmap. Our first E focused on Engagement & Expression. This new E: Encouraging Independence & Resilience is about helping children learn to make choices, solve problems, take responsibility, cope with frustration, recover from mistakes, and try again.
Healthy independence means giving children age-appropriate opportunities to try while staying close to guide and keep them safe.
Independence Is Learned; One Small Step at a Time
A child’s independence develops through practice and manageable chances to do things for themselves.
Independence means doing something with less help, such as putting toys away or fastening shoes. Autonomy is slightly different. It means feeling, “I have some say in what I do.” A child may still need help pouring water but can choose which cup to use.
More Than Independence: What Children Are Really Learning
Several abilities grow together under this pillar:
Autonomy: having some control over your actions.
Confidence: believing, “I can try.”
Competence: becoming more capable through practice.
Responsibility: caring for belongings and completing small jobs.
Decision-making: making simple choices.
Perseverance: continuing when something is difficult.
Coping with frustration: managing “This is hard!” without immediately giving up.
Resilience: recovering after disappointment, mistakes, change, or difficulty and continuing forward.
When Things Go Wrong: This Is Where Resilience Grows
Resilience is not about preventing children from feeling upset or frustrated. It is about helping them learn to manage difficult experiences.
A child builds resilience when a block tower falls, and they rebuild it, or when a mistake becomes another chance to try.
Young children need adults who stay close, acknowledge feelings, encourage another attempt, and remind them that mistakes are part of learning. Over time, children begin to think, “This is hard, but I can try again.”
It is Not the Mistake; It is What Happens Next
The way adults respond to effort matters. Francis and colleagues followed parent-child pairs from age four to age eight and found that praise focused on effort or strategy was linked with greater persistence later. Praise focused only on fixed traits, such as “You’re so smart,” was less helpful.¹
Instead, parents can say, “Wonderful! You kept trying different ways,” or “Very good effort! You did not give up when it was hard.”
Anthea Keeps Trying
Anthea, age five, is working on a puzzle when a piece will not fit. She tries it upside down, then sideways, and finally turns it around. Her father does not take over. He says, “You kept trying different ways until it worked.”
She learns that effort and trying again can help her move through difficulty.
“I Can Do It!”: Marion and the Shoes
Four-year-old Marion is trying to fasten her shoes. Her father reaches down to help, but Marion pulls away.
“I can do it!”
Instead of taking over, he says, “You want to try. I’ll wait.”
After two attempts, Marion becomes frustrated. Her father asks, “What could you try next?” Marion tries again and succeeds.
She experienced effort, frustration, support, problem-solving, and success. She learned, “Hard does not always mean I cannot do it.”
Why Start While They Are Young?
Young children are constantly forming ideas about themselves: Am I capable? What happens when I make a mistake?
A 2024 study by Wang and Gai found a two-way relationship between positive parenting (including warmth, structure, and support for autonomy) and aspects of children’s self-regulation. Supportive parenting can help children build self-control, while growing self-control can also support positive parent-child interactions.²
Small Everyday Moments That Build Independence
Daily life gives children many chances to practise.
Offer limited choices: “Would you like the red cup or the blue cup?”
Give them time to try before stepping in.
Break tasks into small steps. A child may not prepare lunch but can wash fruit or place napkins on the table.
Let mistakes teach. Ask, “What happened?” or “What could you try differently?”
Praise effort and strategy: “You kept working even when it was hard.”
Allow your frustration. Children need your patience and safe chances to wait, try, calm down, and try again.
Give small responsibilities. Regular jobs help children feel capable.
Help Them, Without Doing It for Them
Children still need routines, protection, and guidance. Independence grows best when children feel secure enough to explore and know that help is available.
If a child is unsafe, step in. If the child is struggling but safe, consider waiting, offering encouragement, asking a question, or providing only the help needed.
Your GREATEST Challenge This Week
Choose one everyday task your child usually asks you to do. Instead of doing the whole task, pause and ask:
“What part can you do by yourself?”
Then notice and compliment the effort, not just the outcome.
Independence and resilience grow slowly. Every small choice, responsibility, mistake, and “I’ll try again” helps children learn:
“I can do some things for myself. I can ask for help. I can make mistakes. I can learn. And when things are difficult, I can keep growing.”
That is the heart of Encouraging Independence & Resilience, and it begins with:
“Let me try.”
References
1. Francis, R. S., et al. (2024). Parental praise type at age 4 and children's problem-solving persistence at age 8. University of California, Riverside, Adversity and Adaptation Lab (Yates, PI).
2. Wang, S., & Gai, X. (2024). Bidirectional relationship between positive parenting behavior and children’s self-regulation: A three-wave longitudinal study. Behavioral Sciences, 14(1), 38.