Your Child Is Talking, but Are You Truly Listening?

In the GREATEST Parenting Roadmap, E stands for Engagement and Expression. We have explored how the home environment can invite children to play, explore, participate, and connect. Now we turn to how children express themselves—and how parents can respond in ways that help their voices grow.

All of this is communication.

A baby cries, smiles, turns away, reaches, babbles, kicks, points, looks into your face, or lifts both arms to be picked up. A toddler may use a word, a gesture, a sound, or an expression. A preschooler may tell a winding story that begins with a dog and somehow ends with the moon.

Our role is not only to teach children to speak, but to show them that their attempts to communicate matter. Parents are encouraged to talk with children, not just to them. Talking with children includes back-and-forth interaction. It says, “I see what you noticed. Your thoughts are worth hearing.”

Talking to children is part of parenting. We give directions, explain routines, and keep children safe.

“Put on your shoes.”
“Hold my hand.”
“It’s time to brush your teeth.”
“The stove is hot.”

None of these is wrong. But when most of our communication is giving instructions, children learn compliance rather than conversation and connection, and confidence. There is a big difference between talking with and to children.

This is a familiar moment. Two-year-old Caleb points through the window and shouts, “Truck!”

His mother could say, “Yes, truck,” and return to folding laundry. Or she could turn the moment into a conversation.

“Yes, a big truck! It is very loud. Where do you think it is going?”

Caleb says, “Go bye-bye.”

“Yes, the truck is leaving. Maybe it is carrying boxes.”

That little exchange may seem ordinary, but it is full of learning. Caleb hears new words, practices turn-taking, follows his interest, and has his expression welcomed and expanded.

This is how language grows in everyday life: during breakfast, bath time, walks, car rides, and bedtime, not only during story time or formal teaching.

At breakfast, you might say, “Your porridge is warm today.”

In the bath, “The cup is full. Now it’s empty.”

While dressing, “One foot, two feet. Your socks are hiding your toes.”

On a walk, “I hear a dog barking. Do you hear it too?”

These comments connect language with experience, helping children attach words to what they see, feel, hear, and do.

Research supports responsive communication. Catherine Tamis-LeMonda, Marc Bornstein, and Lisa Baumwell found that mothers’ responsiveness when babies were 9 and 13 months old predicted children’s early expressive language milestones, including first words and later word combinations.¹ Children’s language grows not only because adults talk, but because adults respond.

Another important study by Zimmerman and colleagues found that back-and-forth conversational turns were a stronger predictor of later language development than simply the number of adult words children heard.² This is a helpful reminder: talking around children is not the same as inviting them into conversation.

“Talking with” in real life also includes following your child’s interests. If your child is fascinated by a worm, talk about the worm. If your toddler wants to tell you about the same toy train again, listen again. If your preschooler builds a sofa-cushion tent, crawl in for a few minutes.

It also looks like expanding language without embarrassing the child. If a toddler says, “Baby sleep,” you might say, “Yes, the baby is sleeping.” If a preschooler says, “I goed to the park,” you can respond, “You went to the park. You played on the swings.” The child hears correct language naturally, without feeling tested or shamed.

And then there is listening.

Listening is not doing nothing. It is active work: slowing down, paying attention, noticing feelings, and trying to understand the message beneath the words or behaviour.

A child who says, “I don’t want to go!” may really mean, “I’m tired,” “I’m worried,” or “I don’t know what will happen next.”

A child who cries when a block tower topples may not need a lecture about trying again. He may first need you to say, “You worked hard on that tower, and it fell.”

Instead of “Stop crying,” we might say, “That was disappointing.”

Instead of “You’re fine,” we might say, “You wanted Daddy to stay. Saying goodbye feels hard.”

When children feel heard, they are often more able to calm down. They learn words for their feelings and discover that emotions can be expressed safely. Over time, they learn that communication is not only about getting what they want. It is also about being understood.

Landry and colleagues found that children whose parents were consistently warm, attentive, and responsive throughout early childhood showed stronger language, problem-solving, and social development, with benefits lasting into the school years.³ Children grow, especially in confidence, when they are repeatedly shown that they are worth listening to.”

Of course, no parent listens perfectly all the time. We get tired, rush, interrupt, miss cues, and answer too quickly. That is part of being human.

The good news is that relationships allow repair. We can say, “I’m sorry I didn’t listen carefully. Tell me again.” That, too, teaches communication.

Expression grows in homes where children are invited to speak, gesture, wonder, pretend, question, protest respectfully, and tell their stories. It grows when adults make room for children’s voices, even when they are small, loud, unclear, emotional, or still developing.

Talking with children and truly listening are important parenting roles and relationship-building.

So tonight, at dinner, in the car, during bath time, or before bed, try this: let your child lead one conversation. Ask one open-ended question. Then pause. Listen. Wait.

You may be surprised by what your child shares with you when their voice matters.

The child who is listened to learns to speak with confidence. The child who is spoken with learns that their voice and ideas count.

References

1.   Catherine S. Tamis-LeMonda, Marc H. Bornstein, and Lisa Baumwell, “Maternal Responsiveness and Children’s Achievement of Language Milestones,” Child Development, 72, no. 3, 748–767, 2001.

2.   Frederick J. Zimmerman and colleagues, study published in Pediatrics on conversational turns and children’s later language development.

3.   Susan H. Landry, Karen E. Smith, Paul R. Swank, Mary A. Assel, and Susan Vellet, “Does Early Responsive Parenting Have a Special Importance for Children’s Development or Is Consistency Across Early Childhood Necessary?” Developmental Psychology, 37, no. 3, 387–403, 2001.